Lesbians, Crows and Jessica Alba's Baby

I had a theory last week on how to improve the disappointingly annoying, FlashForward. It involved, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby and needless to say, had the writers of the show contacted me earlier, they would be bathing in the pool of glory that comes with such artistry. Unfortunately for them they didn’t but this week has nevertheless been an improvement of sorts. I can’t quite put my finger on the reason why but episode five seemed more interesting. It might have been because I found the phrase “crow attrition” so amusing. As if the crows, found dead after the flash forwards in both 1991 and 2009 ,died from exhaustion after some sort of Crowlympics. It was either that or the revelation that Janis is a lesbian.. It was the crows, honest! Well, probably.

Benford and his posse are hauled in front of the supreme court who have decided its about time to get a grip on the whole, millions dead, world catastrophe, largest global phenomenon in history thing. As you would expect, multiple agencies are investigating the flash forwards and it is up to the senate to choose which investigations should now receive additional funding and which should be scrapped.

The C.I.A have to be the first voted off, according to them the Chinese did it because most of them were asleep. If we’re using that sort of logic then students did it, most of them were asleep too or maybe Jessica Alba’s baby?

Stanford Wedeck, the boss of Benford’s FBI division, who had a vision of himself on the toilet 6months from now, comes to prominence. His contribution to this point has been to say things like “yeah” and “no” and “but i was on the toilet.” Now we learn that he has enemies in Washington, possibly cheated on his wife and so far, he’s FBI agent who understands what a metaphor is. It also takes him a good few hours to storm out of a building.

Benford is put on the stand to explain his vision and why he is only able to recall parts of it. In his flash forward he is drunk. His only defence is to say the word ‘presumably’ as often as possible. Senator Joyce “hard ass” Clementi also asks why none of his superiors have put this question to him, much to the displeasure of Wedeck, who storms out of the court room at lunch and doesn’t manage to find his way out of the building untill sunset.
I have a question, why was Benford the only person across all government divisions doing any work whatsoever in his flash forward?

Bad blood between Wedeck and Senator Hard Ass, forces Wedeck to nonchalantly bribe the president over a glass of whiskey in order to keep his investigation running.
Boooooring I hear you moan. You said something about lesbians didn’t you? I did. Yes I did! It turns out, Janis is a lesbian and she embarks on a relationship with a woman who in her flash forward, is wearing a wedding ring. Janis is of course pregnant in her flash forward. Who’s the daddy? Who’s the other mummy?

During the closing stages Benford and Co are ambushed by a mysterious armed squad and are able to remarkably to survive a side on car collision, gunfire and an explosion with the only damage being to Demetri’s tie, which was slightly askew. The laughably bad choice of soundtrack to accompany this perfectly manicured shootout makes the scene far funnier than it ought to be but that has become the staple of every episode of FlashForward to date. It reminded me of this.

Meanwhile, Janis suffers an ambush of her own, shot in the stomach by someone from ‘presumably’ the same team that attacked her colleagues.

What if Noel Edmonds was in FlashForward?

Sometimes terrible ideas turn out to be complete masterstrokes. Think about it, someone once pitched this idea to a Television executive; a show about one person pointing at a few other people until they win some money. Sure they might have jazzed the speech up a bit but essentially that’s the format. Turns out that idea was the infuriatingly successful Deal Or No Deal? What happens when the opposite occurs, is FlashForward.

With the human race given a window into their possible futures, is their fate already determined and if the future has already happened, how can it be changed? The concept is mind boggling and not in the way that having 300minutes and unlimited texts for £15 a month is apparently, “mind boggling”, according to that idiot girl who has been cut out of the T-Mobile adverts.

Frustratingly this idea is being mercilessly gobbled up by Wheetabix style acting that is so bland and forced its almost impossible to swallow any serious scene without laughing to yourself. What this program needs, is Noel Edmonds! Just imagine him with his little goatee and floral patterned shirts running around L.A, desperately trying to stop a future where Mr Blobby with a top hat and mustache reveals himself as the orchestrator of the FlashForwards.

Filled with characters devoid of any personality and with very few action sequences it is hard to watch at times. This week around two minutes was devoted to an entirely emotionless scene where recently widowed father Lloyd enters the house of the dead wife we’ve never even seen to the backdrop of sombre music. Thankfully having Sky Plussed the episode I was able to skip at least half of those two wasted minutes.

The terrorist suspect, last seen in the series opener, comes to the forefront of the FBI’s investigation into the mass blackouts after being interrogated by Demetri and Benford. As it happens, the cause of the global phenomenon stems from a much larger group of conspirators than first thought. Instead of asking how the event happened Benford is told to ask why?

His wife, Olivia, having seen a future she does not wish to come true, refuses to accept the flash forwards as fact to the risk of a patient with Addison’s disease. Having almost killed the man Olivia sort of says, whoops and its all forgotten.

The major twist, well I say twist its more like slight left, given the rather obvious set up, is that Lloyd turns out to be part of the global conspiracy. Receiving a phone call from a superior (Dominic Monaghan) he is told he has more work to do. I suspect he is under some duress but that remains to be seen in future and hopefully better episodes.

Get me the world's population of crows! Right now!!!

The freaking Nazis did it! Well, the freaking Nazis didn’t do it but they do get a substantial mention in episode 3 of Flashforward.

Benton and Janis, who is a computer wizard but terrible at lateral thinking, (more on this later) travel to a German prison after an ex-Nazi inmate requests a personal meeting with Agent Serious (Pictured right) to discuss the future and to negotiate his release. A few minutes of prisoner Geyer’s, for the moment, nonsensical riddles about Kabala, crows and the amount of seconds the blackout lasted, gets right up Benton’s nose.

Lunging for Geyer and banging his fists on the table, Benton does what any good government agent would do. Adopting the Jack Bauer whisper-grunt, he insists that under no circumstances will he be released unless his information is relevant, before caving into every demand Geyer makes. Geyer probably could have ordered a Big Mac and Fries and had it served by the one and only Ronald McDonald, or even better Colonel Sanders.

Interesting questions are posed about ‘the greater good’ and whether releasing a man guilty of heinous crimes for potential information about the global catastrophe is worth it?

With planes back in the air, Dead man walking, Demitri is finally reunited with his fiancé, Zoey, who had been grounded in another city. Afraid to tell her about his own non-vision and imminent murder, Demetri is given a lifeline as Zoey says she saw him in her flash forward on an idyllic beach on the day of their wedding. Now, call me sceptical but I don’t trust the woman. Largely because she’s a lawyer but also because actress Gabrielle Union, played a back-stabbing career woman in 24 and I don’t like her face. Also because introducing her character for no reason other than a kiss and cuddle with Demetri would just be a waste of time. I also don’t trust the woman who told Demetri he would be murdered and promptly became impossible to get hold of. Either that or she’s on business in some rural part of Devon and just has no signal.

The investigation into the mysterious mass blackout has a new lead, with Geyer revealing information about a group of crows (apparently a group is called a Murder of crows) dead on the ground after he awoke from his own unconsciousness. Benton then has a eureka moment during his departments wake for colleagues lost in the devastation caused by the blackout. Benton asks Janis to find the worlds population of crows and as that data is of prime importance to most if not all FBI investigations, it is only few clicks before it is shown that there was a similar drop in numbers on the day of the blackout and in 1991. Obviously as Janis (pictured left) has worked for the FBI so many years, conversations about crows and population levels are so frequent that she’s unable to realise that this might be an important one. Thankfully Benton is on hand to spell it out and ask if the blackout has happened before?

As it turns out, the freaking Africans did it! Well, they probably didn’t but the end cut scene is in Africa showing a Murder of crows (that is so confusing) falling unconscious near a tower emitting some kind gas or smoke suggesting the mass blackout phenomenon has been caused by foul means.

Slow Motion City

Episode Two

With a name like FlashForward, the numerous slow motion cuts come as a bit of a surprise. Now I could understand if they were super slow-mos of a building bursting into flames, or a bullet flying from the barrel of a gun, or even of a dog, sitting down. But I can’t help but feel that the ones so far have been misplaced. Head investigator and Mr Down Right Serious, Agent Benford, meets with his AA sponsor agonising about the possible future ahead and after receiving some advice, best heard from a man with the wisdom of a fully grown beard, he realises that he isn’t the only one with problems. This is set against the backdrop of normal people getting on with their lives despite whatever burden they might be carrying. Obvious message, maybe, but wouldn’t it look better if everything was really really slow? Dave Chappelle, you were wrong! http://www.videovat.com/videos/884/dave-chappelle-slow-motion.aspx

Episode 2 sees the conspiracy deepen. I haven’t introduced many of the characters yet so here‘s Benford’s team. His partner, Demetri Noh, who didn’t have a vision while unconscious and assumes that’s because 6months from now he will be dead. Stanford, head of the FBI division, who had a vision of himself on the toilet, whilst on the toilet and Janis Woods. Just think Chloe from 24 or, if you can without getting a bit confused, Janis from 24, and that’s her job.

Hot on the trail of the man in the stadium from episode 1 Benford recalls the name D Gibbons from his flash forward. Tracing a stolen credit card leads the team to an abandoned doll factory where D Gibbons is hiding with what must be some pretty incriminating evidence because soon after he is spotted he sets half the building alight before jumping through a window to escape. In slow motion you must be thinking! Nope.

Ominously for Demetri a local policewoman who didn’t have a vision either is shot dead by Gibbons during the raid with his suspicions confirmed later on.

Janis analyses the evidence brought in from the doll factory explosion and back-dating Gibbon’s phone records shows that at the time of the flash forwards he was on the phone to someone else who was also awake.

Part of the FBI’s investigation is the Mosaic program, a social networking site for people across the globe to post the details of their flash forwards in an effort to build a picture of the future. Janis, who sees herself having a sonogram in 6months, encourages Demetri to post with her if only to find out how he might die. Hours later he receives a phone call from a woman who in her flash forward, reads that he has been murdered.

I expected it to get better and with added intrigue and moments of humour it has. Needless slow motion aside, i think i will be sticking with the series. The juicy nugget left for next week comes when Benford’s daughter, Charlie, who had been reluctant to share the details of her flash forward finally reveals, “D Gibbons is a bad man.”

Jay-Z - Blueprint 3

With Jay-Z’s temporary retirement now a distant memory, his eleventh studio album marks a return to the Blueprint series last seen in 2002. Hotly anticipated since first murmurings were uttered in the build up to last year’s Glastonbury, Blueprint 3 has all the well deserved, brash confidence of arguably the most important man in the urban music business today.

A statement of intent is the guitar influenced, drum heavy attack on the current landscape of popular music, D.O.A (Death Of The Auto-Tune) The song will certainly get heads nodding and minds thinking, especially given the irony of his allegiance to one of the pioneers of the modern incarnation of the auto-tune.

I am of course referring to part-time producer, part-time rapper, full-time award show speech interrupter, Kanye West, who features on current single, Run This Town, with stable mate, Rihanna. Jay boldly proclaims “You can call me Caesar” and with virtually anything the three superstars touch turning to gold, or should I say platinum, the track highlights the dominance of Jay-Z’s former Def Jam label and its affiliates.

Features are ever present with somewhat underwhelming guest appearances from, Young Jeezy, Swizz Beats, Drake, Kid Cudi and Alicia Keys who eases her way through the chorus of Empire State of Mind. (Dead Presidents anyone?) Uplifting and generally inspirational, the song speaks of the American Dream localised to the streets of the Big Apple. “Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there’s nothing you can’t do, now you’re in New York.”

Throughout the album Jay-Z alludes to how far he has come since the days before Reasonable doubt,

“Set sail, I used to duck shots but now I eat quail, I'll probably never see jail.”

While in sign of how far hip-hop has come in the ringtone era, he and Swizz Beats have an attempt at the southern swagger perfected by the likes of Dem Franchise Boys with lacklustre results on perhaps the albums weakest track, On To The Next One.

Having been in the game for some 20 years, Jay has to be commended for keeping such high standards in his lyrical delivery, flow and execution. No one has been as consistent in their wit, leading listeners in and out of breaks, before serving that killer punch line with such smooth assurance.

This is best exhibited on stand out track, Thank You, where Jay thanks his contemporaries for clearing the path for him to be where he is today.

“I was gonna kill a couple rappers but they did it to themselves, I was gonna do it with the flow but they did it with their sales, I was gonna 9/11 them but the didn’t need the help and they did a good job, them boys is talented as hell.”

So Ambitious is a F*** You to those who doubted a young Sean Carter when he decided to become a rapper and Young Forever further asks the question of: just who is Mr Hudson anyway and why does everyone from Kanye to Jay-Z want him on their track?

In the end, Blueprint 3 is a contradiction, Jay speaks as if he is doing something different and unique while shockingly embracing the Auto-tune on A Star is Born and employing the same weak rappers he castigates throughout. In the end, without being a poor album in modern day standards, Jay-Z comes across as a little hypocritical and just as much of a slave to the ringtone, auto-tune generation as the rest.

He came, he saw, he conquered and now he’s back just to rub it in.

FlashForward

Episode One

Prime Time British Television is awash with American imports, it has been for years. Think, Lost, Ugly Betty, 24, Desperate Housewives and any one of the various incarnations of CSI, be it Miami or New York. I doubt many people would be that eager to tune into CSI Middlesbrough. Not everything American is good though, I for one can’t sit through five minutes of seeing the ginger crime scene investigator’s sunglasses go on and off and his affliction to sentences consisting of more than seven words.

FlashForward though certainly comes with top billing. Labelled as the ‘next Lost’, it promises to be addictive viewing. Lets just hope it’s full of the suspenseful, intriguing and shocking characteristics of Lost, rather the fact that not a single question being answered in five series makes me want to eat my own face.

Episode One sets the premise, seemingly every person on the planet falls unconscious for two minutes and seventeen seconds, seeing a vision of themselves 6months into the future at 10pm. That’s when but, How? Why? What? Who god damn it, who??!!

With this sudden unconsciousness, hundreds of thousands across the world die in plane crashes and road accidents.

Leading man Joseph Fiennes plays FBI agent Benford, leader the investigation into the mysterious global incident after he sees a vision of himself in that role.

The recovering alcoholic also sees himself drinking again, while his wife, (Sonya Walger, Lost) who had promised to leave if he got back on the wagon has a vision of herself with another man.

So far, the idea seems good, although I’m not quite convinced it is box office worthy just yet but I do expect it to get better as the series goes on. The dialogue seems wooden and is very plot driven, giving as many characters the chance to chip in as possible.

Cliff-hanger at the end of episode one is CCTV footage taken from an eerily still baseball stadium, as among thousands of motionless bodies, a single figure stands and walks ominously to the exit.